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Day 165. in which even sleepjunkies fend off sleep.

At the end of a day, for all intents and purposes, I'm done. Mentally sucked. Physically drained. Tired. Done.

I tend to retire early. But I don't fall asleep right away. Don't let me confuse you. I adore sleep. I love everything about sleep. I love my bed, I love my high thread count cotton sheets, I love my reversible down comforter. Flannel sheets are nice, too. Fuzzy. Sleep conducive accessories are a passion of mine.

Fans are a necessity. Multiple fans, even, for the white noise. Lately, I've been sleeping with both a rather loud air purifier as well as an air conditioner. I don't even think the air purifier 'purifies' that well, if at all. You know how stores market "low noise" fans as something good? Yeah. To me, that is a negative, not a selling point. In the winter, I turn a mini box fan against the wall, just for the whirring noise.

Obviously, I love sleep.

But I have a fear about falling asleep.

It's completely irrational. I've never had a reason to believe I'm going to miss anything in my 33 years of living by falling asleep. Nothing good has ever woken me up in the middle of the night. Drunk roommates. The police returning a lost Bob. The stupid burglar alarm that goes off once a week at the Planned Parenthood across the street from me. Honestly. I can't begin to imagine what the heck a Planned Parenthood needs an after hour alarm for. Are they afraid someone might break in and steal condoms?

The kids had kept me and Dana up the night before. We are past the newborn crying for hours on end - in the middle of the night stage but not yet from the toddlers alternately waking us up throughout the night stage.

Dana said, "I'm going to sleep... I can't believe you're not going to sleep."

"But I feel like I might miss something! I don't want to miss anything!"

"What could you possibly miss?!"

"...I don't know...but if something happens, I want to be awake for it! I'm just afraid if I go to sleep that I might miss something."

"That's crazy! That's a crazy thing to be afraid of!" he laughed. "Well... like what? Like what could you possibly miss?"

"I don't know...but when something happens, I'll let you know."

Dana rolled over on his pillow while I stared at the TV for a bit. "Hey, we've got cookies," he said. "You want to go downstairs and have a cookie?"

Seth had a couple of friends over to spend the night so I thought I should check on them before I retired. A cookie represented a perfect excuse to wander downstairs.

These kids - Dwayne, who Seth has renamed Dwight, Timmy, and Seth are all great kids. (I ran into Dwayne's Grandma last week in the grocery and accidentally referred to him as 'Dwight'...geesch...) They were playing video games and being generally nerdy. Dana and I tried to entice them with junk food but they stayed in the living room. Together, the two of us ate cookies and wandered back upstairs.

"O.K., now I'm going to sleep," Dana said.

"I dunno...I can't go to sleep. I'm soooo tired but no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake this feeling that I'm going to miss something. I can't explain it!" I said.

Dana thought I was crazy by now. Maybe I am. All I know, I couldn't go to sleep.

Maybe I've created a new mental illness. I stared at the ceiling for a bit.

"You know, if you had gone to sleep earlier, you would have missed out on the cookies," I said.

I'm right, again!