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Day 185. in which Seth shoots things on the 4th of July.

It's early-ish in the night on the 4th of July. I'm really beat but I don't want to give up to slumber yet. I've been pushing myself a bit lately, trying to challenge my personal limits. I'm not sure to what ends I am hoping this will prove...

But I'm sick like this.

Anyway, my head is killing me. I'm kind of squinting as I type now because the light of the screen is making my head ache. I am wondering if I should post this tonight or wait until morning to make sure it still makes sense?

No sleep = delirium.

So everyone is asleep now except me and Seth. We're sitting in the dark living room, basking in the glow of our electronics - me with my laptop and Seth with the Xbox on the TV. There's a nice breeze in here and the crickets are chirping outside. Digital country charm.

I knew he was downstairs so I was trying to get the kids to sleep and trick Dana into falling asleep so I could sneak back downstairs to hang out with him. It's so rare we get any alone time together anymore, and I know we both miss it.

Seth was my only child for a long time, and we were able to spend a lot of time together because of this. Across many long times, it was me and Seth. I remember one night, when he was about 5, we were walking home from the laundromat together. I was lugging our over-stuffed duffel bag over my shoulder, across my back, and holding his hand as we crossed the bridge over Kinderhook Creek towards Main Street, Valatie, where we were living in this neat little house along the creek. I was telling Seth a story about I'm not sure what anymore, but something that had happened to me when I was young and growing up in Kinderhook, and Seth said, "Oh, yes, I remember that!"

"But you couldn't remember, Seth. You weren't there," I said.

He responded rather matter-of-factly that he had seen it, because he had been watching me from the Moon for a long time before he was born. He said it in a way that made me stop on the bridge to look at him for a moment. It was almost unsettling, the simple way he said it.

So, you see, Seth has always been with me.

* * *
Seth is 14, and doesn't mind that I'm hanging out in the room, playing with my computer, while he plays Halo. This makes me happy.

"Yeah, I have a cat and I have a Mom," Seth just said. Not to me. I can only hear half of the dialogue as he talks into his XBox headset to an online Halo 'party'. This is how it must seem to those who sit around Kyrce and me at work. Half of our conversations are over IM but sometimes it moves suddenly to random out-loud blurts. Without context, they must seem random, indeed!

I was listening to Seth while I was poking around on my computer.

"Why do people never heed my advice?...yeah, I know! That sounds quite similar to the guy I was talking about...hey! I shot him in the butt again...get out of our rave!...Yeah! We won one!...hold on...what's 15-8?...yeah, I'm talking to my mom! My mom is there! She's right behind me on the couch! Yes, she is! Here, do you want me to prove it to you? Mom, say hi! Hiiii! Mom, Sloney says hi!"

I laugh and shake my head.

"I really want to b x r someone this time!"

"What?! What the hell does that mean?" (yes, I know I shouldn't swear...especially in front of my son...)

"What does what mean?"

"B X R someone? What the hell is that?" I asked, fearing the worst.

"It's a glitch in the game," he said, simply, continuing to play the game.

"What is the glitch in the game?"

"It's a glitch in the game. You push the buttons b x r on the controller and they instantly die. They just fall over. It's not programmed correctly because when you hit the b button, you punch the guy but while pressing the x button, you cancel the animation for it which shortens the amount of time it takes to deliver the damage to him. And then the r button pretty much means you shoot the guy...and he dies."

I just stared at Seth.

Seth laughed and continued to play his game.

I love this kid.